Volturi Christmas
by the queen of slurking
Summary: Christmas in Volterra. Aro wants to actually celebrate Christmas and calls on old friends to join the Volturi Christmas celebrations
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

Volturi Christmas

**December 18**

It was a week before Christmas, and Aro was quickly going crazy. More so than usual.

He was planning a Christmas Day dress-up for when they all gathered around the tree to open presents. Granted, at this stage the tree was more of a shrub, and had no leaves... Or decorations.

Aro assigned Caius to decorate the tree, blithely ignoring Caius' growls and muttered protests. He drowned out the complaints by singing every carol he could think of at the top of his lungs.

He then assigned Jane to make holiday food to keep up the human appearance, and was geniunely surprised when he fell to the ground in agony and stayed like that for approximately three hours. Jane made sure to pay him back by burning all the food and then pointing out that they wouldn't even be eating the food, at which Aro sobbed tearlessly for hours until she hit him over the head with the tree.

He asked Marcus to begin wrapping the presents and was upset to discover later, that most of them were unwrapped. That is, some had paper taped haphazardly over them, others had no wrappings at all, and there were scraps of paper littering the ground. Marcus was nowhere to be seen: Aro walked all over the castle until he came across Marcus sitting on the ground beside the oven, statue-still.

He offered to take Felix, Demitri and Alec shopping to get the rest of their presents. Alec called him an idiot, Demitri suggested he stop taking so many drugs and Felix... well, Felix kicked at punched the tree until it was a small, battered plant. _Maybe,_ Aro reflected, _I shouldn't have called them useless, incompetent morons._

A week before Christmas, and no-one besides Aro was at all enthusiastic. It looked like Christmas was going to be very gloomy this year.

Aro sighed... _Well, I suppose that's what you get for being the only remotely enthusiastic and cheerful person around._

That was when Aro had an idea: he would invite the Cullens! The black-haired pixie, Carlisle and Esme were all very cheerful, and Jasper had the ability to make people feel how he wanted. Bella and Edward probably wouldn't want to rock the boat, and Emmett had the right temperament for Christmas. Rosalie might be the only unenthusiastic Cullen. Besides which, this would be the perfect opportunity to make amends for trying to kill Renesmee a while ago.

He ran to his room, snatching the phone and knocking over a lamp in his excitement. He called Carlisle to invite him and his family. Carlisle sounded wary, then slightly amused, then mildly scared, and then he finally caved in.

_That_ would be a scene worth seeing: Carlisle gathering the rest of the family to tell them they were spending the Christmas with the Volturi.

Aro started bouncing up and down with childlike glee, humming and dancing around the castle. He was so excited, he missed the thoughts of everyone else-_yes, he's finally gone around the bend._

_Maybe now Christmas would be the way it was supposed to,_ he thought. _It's about time._

**I like parodying the Volturi. They have so much power that I can't resist abusing that power to make them look like idiots.**

**Review? I love reviews :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Not SM. I don't own anything except an iPod with about 450 songs, and a laptop. That's it.

Volturi Christmas

_In Forks:_ Carlisle had just finished breaking the news to his family that they were spending Christmas in Volterra. With the Volturi. Needless to say, everyone in the family was questioning his sanity. When they all realised that he wasn't budging, they gave in with varying shades of poor grace: Rosalie hissed about the evilness of the Volturi and smashed a window, Edward, Emmett and Bella took off hunting and all voiced their opinion that Carlisle was either out of his mind, insane or crazy from old age. Alice tried to look at the future to see what would happen but came up with nothing, and Esme wondered how Renesmee would take it.

**December 20**

The Cullens boarded their flight to Italy, still hissing and muttering insults at Carlisle for the duration of the flight.

Upon their arrival at the airport in Italy, they were greeted by a very enthusiastic Aro, who was jumping up and down and grinning with excitement. Edward quickly skimmed through Aro's thoughts and concluded that he posed no threat and was just very happy to see the whole family. Aro led them to a waiting car, talking non-stop in an increasingly shrill voice about all the things that hadn't been done and so needed to be done-preferably before Christmas Day.

Once they'd all arrived at the Volturi castle, Aro began to assign them all tasks. He decided that Esme could do the baking, since Jane had ruined it before. Alice and Renesmee were to get a new tree and decorate it, while Emmett and Jasper went and brought back some animals. Edward had to rewrap all the presents, while Bella searched out as many Christmassy CD's as possible. Rosalie had to find the outfits for everyone to wear on Christmas Day, while Carlisle supervised everyone. For Carlisle though, 'supervising' mainly involved watching and pointing out everything that was being done wrong. Then again, that may just have been his revenge for the numerous insults he'd had to put up with over the flight.

Aro thought things already seemed to have picked up. The shopping was mostly done, he knew because everyone was refusing to touch his hand and let him read their thoughts. Even Caius and Marcus seemed vaguely interested in what they were doing. The atmosphere in the castle, according to Jasper, was much more cheerful.

The castle now looked like the occupants were actually celebrating Christmas, which had Aro almost levitating with glee. Jane left her room to see what was going on, and upon discovering the Cullens in the castle and preparing for Christmas, threw a tantrum and began stalking around the castle randomly torturing people.

_Aro writing in his journal:_

So it's all going well now that the Cullens are here. It's so nice to see Carlisle again, and Bella as a vampire is almost mesmerizing. And of course, Renesmee is completely adorable. Even if she does keep showing me bizarre images. I still can't make sense of the last thing she showed me-a wolf-type creature holding a stick over a fire and eating his way through a small mountain of food. I'm convinced she does it deliberately. And it's actually Christmassy here now, even if Jane is torturing people for the fun of it. She never did like Christmas. I don't see why; it's a fun time for presents and happy songs and happiness.

I have to keep my thoughts from Edward while I write… Maybe I could get Bella to shield me? (Asks) Or not. Okay, just think the lyrics to The Song That Never Ends. Creative fashion… I think tomorrow, I'll dress up extra brightly to emphasize the holiday spirit. Maybe those new skinny jeans that all the young human kids nowadays wear in neon pink, with one of those high-vis vests that you see roadworks people wearing. And of course accessories… Why is Alice screaming? Oh, she can see what I'm planning to wear. Fashion was never that interesting when I was a boy, well back in the Dark Ages.

This Christmas is going be better than the usual Volturi Christmases. Its so nice to have others here, instead of it just being the usual people. Even if our guests are vegetarians. I might try one of the bears Emmett brought back sometime, and hope he doesn't kill me for eating his favourite food. I wonder who would avenge me if I was killed? I doubt too many of the Cullens would. Carlisle might, but he wouldn't cry over my pile of ashes.

Maybe to really make the Christmas spirit obvious, I'll get Fashionista Alice to help me dye the robes. Gray and black are so boring all the time. Yes, it's serious, but at this time of year, it just looks like we're trying to be emus or Goth or something.

So, if we dye the robes red and green, that would look nice. I bags red, it would complement my eyes nicely. Then I can dress up as Santa on Christmas Day. Caius, because he's so grouchy, can be the Grinch. Actually, to make him really look the part, he can just keep the black robe. It suits his personality perfectly: boring, with no sense of humour or fun. He really should be goth. Jane and Alec can dress up as elves, Felix and Demetri can be Santa's helpers, and Marcus can be Mrs Claus. Of course, I may have to hit him over the head with a few encyclopedias to really shake him out of the apathy, but Emmett can take care of that.

If all else fails, I'll encourage Renesmee to go around showing the others bizarre human-child pictures and _make_ them try to be enthusiastic. It's really too bad those mind-altering drugs have no effect on vampires-I know, because I tried. Back in the day… well, the 1960's anyway. Those were good times.

Kind of.

How many Christmases have I seen now? Probably about three thousand, six hundred and ninety… or near enough.

God, that makes me sound old. This is one of the times I'm grateful to be immortal-I couldn't bear it if I got grey hair and wrinkles.

Alice must be imagining me with grey hair and wrinkles-she and Edward are laughing about something.

I shall go and check on the preparations.

_Leaves his room._

By now the Cullens had worked miracles. There were decorations everywhere and Emmett and Jasper had returned with a small herd of animals-who wore tinsel crowns and necklaces made from left-over Christmas baubles.

Between the, the Cullens and the Volturi had collected about four thousand years worth of Christmassy decorations, including a number of decorations that were really just rocks and stones. These pieces may well have dated back to the Palaeolithic times-or at least the Stone Age.

Actually, Aro recalled watching the team of archaeologists digging them up and stealing them from the archaeologist who had excavated them-he wanted them and the archaeologist had refused to give them to him. Aro had wound up sucking his blood and then stealing them, running away and hiding the rocks in his hood in an effort to get them past the airport security…

The Cullens had done a lot of work inside the castle. It actually appeared that the residents were celebrating Christmas, instead of just killing people-human, vampire or otherwise.

The newly Christmas-decorated castle was greeted with mixed reaction from the Volturi. Marcus had found it boring, as he found everything, and went off to his secret dungeon to sulk and compose a list: 101 Reasons Christmas sucks, by Marcus Volturi.

Caius hated all the bright and cheery Christmas paraphernalia, and would have ripped it all down if it hadn't been for Alice threatening to paint elves and rainbows all over his walls.

Aro, however, was beyond delighted. He skipped around, singing carols and acting more gay than usual.

Jane, Alec and Felix were all barely tolerating the atmosphere. Jane took it upon herself to torture Aro, on account of his acting so hyper and happy. Alec hid under the table from his sister, afraid as always of when she went on a torturing rampage. It was lucky for everyone that Bella had been able to extend her shield more and more over the years, and was now capable of shielding anyone in a three-hundred kilometre radius. Even if they didn't need it.

Felix and Demetri took the opportunity to torment Aro by dressing up as all things cute-elves, kittens, fairies, leprechauns, dolphins and more-then running to him to be cooed over. Just as he turned to them to sigh over how adorable they were as kittens, they tore off running so fast that more often than not, they hit the walls and smashed another small chunk off.

Usually, Aro wound up crying tearlessly-sadness for the walls, sorrow that the adorable creatures had run away from him, and general self-loathing that _he _was not as adorable as them.

He was too stupid to realize that they were intending to continue this until he went mad. Preferably, in the most spectacular and public way possible.

**Hope you liked it. **

**I'm going to need suggestions for the coming chapters, because I want the next things to happen to be as over-the-top as possible. So, I'm asking for any suggestions. A word, a phrase, anything. You will get full credit. It will also help me get a chapter done faster if I have inspiration.**

**No offence intended to anyone who is emo, Goth or gay. I am not attacking them.**

**Also tell me how you want to see Aro go mad-all at once, or slowly?**


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